The last two years have been really hard for me mentally, but more so physically. I am now 30 and have faced a lot of medical issues that you would think I would be to young for. My journey has been hard and trust is what I found myself lacking.
I started experiencing migraine headaches. Now I have had them all of my life, but these were different. I would go into my room and cry like a baby for hours. None of the meds seemed to work at all and caffeine just seemed to drain me more. I became weak and so sleepy. I would wake up in the morning and be physically exhausted two hours later. The doctors kept shifting me back and forth between each of them with the only diagnosis of anemia and migraines.
Finally after having a few women issues, an ultrasound led me into my second surgery. My first was when I was 17. I had two softball size cyst on my uturus and many smaller ones on my ovaries and stomach issues. It was believed that I would no longer have this issue, so when I became sick, the thought of this being the problem was quickly surpassed. I came out of the surgery with flying colors but had to loose an ovary and tube due to the cyst overtaking them. At this point, I was relieved. I had been through so much and very thankful that it was over. Or so we thought.
All was going really well for about six months when all rhe sudden I began to become really sick again. The migraines progressed and it was hard to even eat more than a couple bites here and there. The pain made it hard to walk. The doctor again started playing shuffle with me because there was no way it was a girl problem and no one else wanted to touch me because of liability issues and them not being the ones who performed the surgery.
I began to loose faith. I let my emotions control every aspect of my life. I knew God had brought me through everything I had ever been through in my life, but couldn’t grasp why he would continue to let this bad stuff keep happening. I mean, I have kids to take care of and the bills are piling up and I am all alone. My question was why? Why me Lord?
A dear friend helped me make the decision to see a new doctor. I was hesitant at first but maybe I needed to be seen through new eyes. So very reluctantly, I started all the test and procedures over again. I received a phone call one morning asking if I could come in that afternoon. I asked what was wrong, but was told it would be okay and not to worry. I hit my knees and begged God for good news. I pleaded and said that I would do anything for him if I could catch a break. Just to be healed…… Amazing how my faith grew just to get something.
That wasn’t his plan. The news was as expected, not good. After a repeat ultrasound that day, more cysts had formed and polyps were found. The start of the C word was mentioned more than once and I couldn’t even bring myself to say it. A single mother of 3 young children in the prime of her life and here I am with polyps all in me. Self pity took my doubt to a new level. Now I was angry. I have been a child of God and I have done his will and he chose me to be the sick, helpless mom. I then brought other aspects of my past into the situation. You took my father from me and put me in foster care and I lost my mother to drugs and put me in a domestic violence marriage. Don’t you think I’ve had enough.
The verdict was two weeks of heavy steroids, antibiotics, and a form of chemo. I would have a hystorectamy when the meds were done. It was hard. My brother and his wife, along with my mother helped with the kids while my loving boyfriend, AJ stayed beside me the entire time. I complained and cried and cried and complained. Poor me and how alone am I.
The day before the surgery I came and talked to the kids. It would be a week in the hospital and wasn’t a good idea if they came. I cried and my oldest said mama we are praying for you everyday. With our love and Gods love, you will be just fine. Yep, that did it. I completely lost it. The whole time I have been alone and scared, I was never alone. He said in his word, I will never leave you nor forsake you. I had left him. I had not trusted in him. I hit my knees again but this time to praise him for never leaving me and always bringing me through my rocky roads. I thanked him for the blessings I have in my life and the people he placed in my life to love me. I still have my kids, my family, my wonderful boyfriend, a house…..so many things I had forgot because I forgot how to trust.
It has been 7 weeks since my surgery and I am doing well. They were able to get all the polyps out and they couldn’t find any more other than what was in the uterus. Even though a few had cancer cells, all other results are awesome. It has taken awhile to recover but I am on my way. The last obstacle will be a safety measure for one more round of a lower chemo to make sure anything that may have been left is now gone. We are almost out of the woods and I can see the light.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart…. God has a plan for my life, just like he has one for yours. He put more on my back so I would look towards him. My love for God is stronger and he has given me a new song to sing.